PMS

Sometimes, out of a sudden, I feel 'alone'.
I put it in inverted form because I know I am not alone.
I have a family, friends and I'm surrounded by all the wonderful things in life that should not be taken for granted.
But amidst the crowd, the love..there's still a part of me that I keep from the rest of the world.
It used to be accessible to one very special person but lately, he hasn't been in touch.
When I assume this identity that's unknown to everybody else, I feel that I've lost touch.
Because nobody knows this part of me, and this part of me knows nobody.
It's so abstract that it's unjustifiable.

I feel like all the close friends, that I'm supposed to have, aren't mine.
I don't know them and I'm unwilling to respond.
During this time, I just want to be alone..
To roam about in places where nobody knows me
Nobody has ever seen this face nor heard of this name
My past does not matter to them, neither does my present nor future
Just a face in the crowd..

It's such an irresponsible feeling..
If I could, I'd just run away and hide for a little while..
But the dominant personality just wouldn't let me.
BruNotts is coming up.
How could I disappear at this moment?
Not that I'm a crucial player.. it's just the commitment I've made to the team.
It's team spirit.. I cannot let them down.
Most importantly, I cannot let myself down.

At times, I wish I could be unpredictable, dangerous, spontaneous, daring..ignore all the rules & be irresponsible for once.
Shed off the image of a goody-two-shoe who sticks by the rules
But that would never be..
Maybe that's why the idea of a bad boy excites me..
Someone who's spontaneous, outgoing, loud, funny,insensitive, decisive, wild, crazy, sporty, tall, dark, handsome,bold, fearless.. all that I'll never be..
The total opposite of me..
Someone I can't have a girly talk with..someone who dislikes the idea of 'sharing our feelings', someone who steals everybody's attention the moment he walks into the room..
Macho,a male chauvanist, a leader
A hard-core bad boy..
But at the same time..filial, sticks by his principles and be in total control of every situation he's in..
Someone who never fails to surprise me & just being with him would make my adrenaline rush and make me feel more alive than I'll ever be
That, to me, is Mr Perfect!

Perhaps somebody who I can't have, but will always be somebody I measure all the others against..

Right now, I just feel like popping into thin air..
You may see me, but I'm really not there