08.06, 23:23

I was feeling hungry and thought, 'How nice would it be if I had someone to cook for me.' 

But I quickly brushed the thought aside and thought, 'Why do I want to depend on another person when I am capable of cooking for myself if I make time for it.'

Last night, I was walking back from the library and thought, 'It'd be nice if I had someone to walk me home.' Again, I brushed the thought aside and thought, 'OMG, why am I even thinking this? I am perfectly capable of walking home alone at night without fear, so why do I need someone next to me?'

Few weeks ago, I felt a little down and thought, 'If only there's someone I can talk to/someone to listen to me.' Then, it was as if I gave myself a mental slap and thought 'Why can't I sort out my own emotions? Why would I want to depend on another person to cheer me up when I really should be the one picking myself up?'

These are not all, but they represent the usual conversations I have with myself and the usual demands I make of myself. 

I find myself greatly disliking asking somebody else for help. I don't know what I am scared of. Am I scared of troubling others? Or could it be that I have extremely high faith in my own abilities and believe I will work it out in the end anyway?

I don't know.

But I think I am truly blessed in a sense that there always happens to be a friend around, who will automatically look for me, as if he/she magically knows that something is bothering me without me even saying anything.

I think it's really tough being my friend, because if you want to care for me, you'll have to be blessed with a super power/super instinct to know that I need you to be around without me having to say a word.

Then I thought, if it was my friend who was facing the same situation, I would want him/her to look for me. I'd want to lend him/her my shoulders to cry on. I want to be there for him/her. It'd make me feel good, knowing I have been a good friend. But I find myself denying that opportunity for others to show me what a good friend they can be. Isn't it really selfish of me?

People might mistake it as a sign of 'strength' but deep down, I think the opposite. Perhaps I'm too weak, too fragile to face the fact that people will not always be around for me, no matter how much they say they would, so I hesitate asking for help, fearing disappointments.  

Perhaps the wall I built to protect myself has also kept others out.

23:38

I suddenly thought of what it was that made me this way.

Perhaps, it was the over-dependancy on someone that resulted in tremendous hurt and disappointment that have made me who I am today- so unwilling to allow others to have a chance to manipulate my emotions.

Should I thank this person for making me a 'strong' person or should I blame him for making me so untrusting?

To be honest, I think neither.

Perhaps it might just take another special person to change this :)