I miss being in the jungle

I suddenly miss being in the jungle. I miss lying down in my tent and looking out at the starry sky.

Took out the CD from SEP in August and re-watched it just now.

It brought back a lot of memories.

And it made me realise how much I've changed since I first joined MinDef in 2006.

I never knew I would end up on this path, not in my wildest dreams. The thought has never crossed my mind.

Throughout my childhood and teenage years, I've had lots of ambitions. I wanted to be a doctor, nurse, teacher, lecturer, jeweller, lawyer, social worker, shopkeeper, florist, entertainer, travel agent, CID, banker & psychologist at some point in my growing up years. Never did I think that I would start out in the defence industry.

Ever since then, I've gone through a lot of things that I never thought I would do. 

I wasn't a big fan of the outdoors. Probably because I've never been exposed to that kind of surrounding. I think the most adventurous thing I did before that was to go out to sea for para-sailing in KK after A levels. 

Since then, I've gone hiking, kayaking, trekking, camping, abseiling, indoor rock-climbing and tried shooting with an M16 and a Browning pistol (although my aiming really sucks). 

Looking back, I realise these experiences really mean something to me. Back then, I never really understood why we had to do this kind of thing. 

"Outward Bound...again?? Why?? Oh god, do I HAVE to?"

"Be in the jungle for a week? Oh no oh no.."

Those were my very honest thoughts and fears. I  just couldn't help but question the motive. 

However, I'm beginning to see why we had to undergo those training.  Without deliberation (at least on my part), these activities have re-shaped and redefined the way I see things. I dare not say I have uncovered all the lessons.. but I've definitely gained some wisdom.

The workshop in Sg with Col. S is another eye-opening experience. When we were asked to think about our goals in life and our vision for the coming 5 years, something hit me. I've never given this a serious thought before.

"Why hadn't I think about this seriously before? Have I just been living blindly without a clear goal in mind for the past 21 years?"

I can tell you, that realisation was pretty damn scary.

Roughly three years ago, I came to uni, thinking I would find all the answers in this place. 

And here I am, finally realising that there is no 'one size fits all' solution to the world's problems. This realisation was very disappointing at first. It made me feel very insecure. It made me doubt the extent of my efforts. 

There was a point in the beginning of the year that I was depressed. I believe I sunk into a mild depression during that time. I didn't look forward to waking up every morning, because it meant I was getting into yet another gloomy day. I wasn't happy. I could force a smile and pretended to be ok when there were people around, but when I was alone, I would sink into self-doubt, self-pity, confusion and more self-doubt.

That period was horrible. I never felt that way before. I always thought I would live life optimistically. I thought I would never wake up in the morning feeling sad and incompetent. Before that, I've never gone to bed thinking I could not solve whatever problems I was facing. That feeling was new to me. 

I didn't dare tell my parents.. but I wonder if they could hear it from the tone of my voice over the phone. I sent out panic emails to the girls. Thank goodness for them! And I don't know how Suresh does it, but he always manages to call me at the right time. I remember talking to him for a few hours that night about this. And I felt a ton better after that. Thank goodness for him!

So here I am...starting out with the sole intention of getting a uni degree, but ending up learning and realising a lot of things about myself I never knew.. So is this the so-called 'head fake' by Professor Randy Pausch (the author of 'The Last Lecture')? I think it is!

At the end of the lecture, Pausch posed a final question to the audience.

“Have you figured out the head-fake?” he asked.

A ‘head-fake,’ he explained earlier, occurs when someone is taught a deeper lesson under the pretense of learning something simple — when a high school football player learns determination, teamwork, and perseverance while seeming to learn a proper three-point stance, for instance.

Give up?

“It’s not about how to achieve your dreams,” Pausch said. “It’s about how to lead your life.”

Now, how did I get this far? I believed myself when I said I was just day-dreaming about being in the jungle of Temburong~