c.o.n.f.u.s.e.d?

I got hit by the flu and fever bug. It sucks! 

The fever comes and goes and my throat is extremely dry.

The extremely cold weather certainly doesn't help.

Thankfully, I've got a warm shelter over my head and I've been getting a lot of rest- so I guess I am lucky in that sense.

Usually for new year, I will come up with resolutions. 

I don't know why I do that- since I tend to forget them towards the middle of the year.

But it just doesn't feel like new year without new year's resolutions.

2008 ended perfectly for me.

I got to spend the last 3 weeks of 2008 with my closest girlfriends.

We managed to conquer 7 cities, including the Vatican City in 11 days.

It was crazy to constantly be on the plane.

Nevertheless, I enjoyed myself tremendously and it was a holiday well-spent.

I'll never forget the times we spent on the road trip around UK, the silly laughing session at one of the cafes in Barcelona and the scary countdown experience in Brussels- What a way to welcome 2009.

2009- is the year I am going to graduate from the University of Warwick.

I have given a lot of thought about continuing my masters, and at this point, I am more towards going back home right upon graduation and continue my masters few years down the road.

I am just not ready to commit myself into another course when I am not sure what is it that I really want to do. I certainly cannot imagine having to write 10,000 words for a Masters dissertation in something I am not even truly interested in. Maybe I am thinking a little too far ahead- but I don't want to regret later on, only to find out that it's too late.

I spent few nights tormenting myself with endless questions about how I want my future to be.

Just thinking about the huge responsibility that is going to fall on my shoulder once I enter the working world scares the hell out of me.

I will no longer be a student- no one is going to understand/be tolerant if I make mistakes.

So many eyes on me.. Can I really meet their expectations? 

I never thought,not even for a single moment, that I was good enough for them.

There were certain events that resulted in me losing faith in my ability to work for them.

I feel extremely guilty when I find myself thinking, 'Growing up is such a pain', because I know there are some children who don't even have a chance to grow up- children who die before they could take their place in this world. I am lucky, because I have the opportunity to make a difference- shouldn't I cherish this chance even more so?

I've always wanted to work with children. 

I don't know at which specific point in time when I suddenly realized this- but I regret not listening to the inner voice in my head when I did my uni application.

I was so set on choosing 'Early Childhood Education', but I gave it up and chose Economics instead, thinking 'it's ok, I can always pursue that later on in life.' 

Maybe I was young, and I didn't realize how much courage it is going to take- to leave my job and pursue this little dream of mine.

Now that I am a little more grown up and have seen how our society works, I can only pray that I will be brave enough when the time comes.

I believe there is such thing as waking up in the morning and looking forward to going to work.

Those who tell me that such a thing does not exist are just sad!

Just because they don't experience it does not mean that others shouldn't.

And you know what? The more I know, the more I realize I don't know.

Our lives are not ' black' and 'white'. There's no absolute 'right' or 'wrong'.

There is no perfect solution or just one answer to the question.

This frustrates me- because I never know which side to take.

Taking a side and having a firm stance just make one seems so ignorant- because how can you ever be sure that what you're thinking is right? Do you even know enough to differentiate what really IS the answer from what only SEEMS to be the answer? Will we ever know?

Or do we merely make decisions based on what seems to be appropriate at that point in time-even though it might completely be inappropriate the next second.

Is that what you call, 'living in the moment'?

I don't know. I honestly don't.

If you do, please, please enlighten me.

So in 2009, this is the mission I set for myself: To understand myself better and overcome many of the shortcomings that I am aware of. I know it will not be easy, but it will be worthwhile.